i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
