It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
