i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
