The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
