She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
