I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
