in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
