I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Terrible idea I love it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
