I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
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