just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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