shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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