i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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