You really coming over, don't trick.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
