The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
