I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Randomize
