I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
