The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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