I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He? As in you personified your dick?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
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