2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
