Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
