You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
