You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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