It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
