the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
