I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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