why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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