I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
