Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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