hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
