so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Randomize
