I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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