Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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