Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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