she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
