I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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