So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
