Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
