My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize