i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
