I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
