someone threw a dead crab at me
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
