Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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