i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
