You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Randomize
