I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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