I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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