he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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