jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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