Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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