I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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