My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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