Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
