I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
