It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
