You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
