Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
