grandma shit on top of the toilet
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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