Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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