White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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