My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Randomize
