I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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