oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
