He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
i think my cat just said my name.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
My feet surprised me
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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