The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Randomize