Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Randomize
